But I HAVE a Handicap. I'm a RETARD!

squid villanueva's picture
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A lot of us who commute to work using the EDSA MRT trains would probably agree that there aren't enough of them, especially during the rush hours. By the time a northbound train emerges from the Ayala Avenue Station, it is so overloaded it seems more like a meat machine carrying frightened Jews to Auschwitz than a modern vehicle carrying vapid yuppies to their meaningless jobs. Nevertheless, most of us prefer the MRT because the alternatives aren't any better. Catching a bus would all but guarantee we'd be arriving at the office at least an hour late courtesy of the Metro Manila clusterfuck traffic. Cabs, on the other hand, are out of the question due to their prohibitive rates. The train, at least, gets us to our destination on time. It sucks, but it's also the lesser evil.

However, it seems the hostile universe decided we haven't enough misery in the tragedy we call our lives.

You've probably noticed by now that there's a new segregation scheme being enforced in the EDSA MRT trains. The first car of each train is reserved for women, children, and the handicapped. That means the rest of us sound-bodied, grown men have the pleasure of basking in each other's stink and body heat from the second car onwards.

Whoopteefuckingdoo.

You must understand that I've never been the type of man who would give up my seat in the train for perfectly healthy women. I believe in equal opportunity. If women want to work alongside men then they should kick and claw their way to success like the rest of us. The only time I ever gave up a seat to a broad without any obvious disabilities was because she had tits like melons and I wanted to look down her blouse. No, I'm not the chivalrous type at all. I do have a soft spot for old people, pregnant women, and little children, though. At least I did once. Before the segregation scheme. Now I've become completely ruthless. I give no more quarter to the weak. I'd gladly elbow a pregnant woman in the belly to get a seat, make no mistake.

There are times when I'm tempted to walk towards the first car as if nothing was wrong. If the guard should accost me, I would simply tell him that since a woman who should be in the first car is taking up a valuable seat in the second, I'm just taking the seat that's rightfully hers in the first car. I can easily foresee what that would lead to, though.

Other times I'm tempted to buy a crutch and pretend that I have a bum leg. That is, until I realized that I don't have to pretend disability because I do have a handicap. I'm a retard! Not that the MRT administrators would appreciate that.

But let me tell you something. What riles me the most about this scheme is not that the first car is usually almost empty while the rest of the train is crammed like a Mexican dope mule's ass. It's not that men are on the losing end of the equal opportunity card. It's not even the "I'm-glad-I'm-not-you" look that stupid broad gives you from the first car as your face presses harder against the glass.

It's the fact that I've been denied the pleasure of molesting pretty teenaged girls! Really, have you seen how utterly ugly the women who persist in riding the men's cars are? It's as if they purposely refuse themselves the comforts of the first car in the hope that someone will finally grab their asses on the train.

The mind reels, gentlemen.

Squid Villanueva

i get to ride in the first car

i feel for you but i'm not complaining...:) after all, i get to have the priviledge of riding in the first car, cramless and stink-free :) i'm gloating by the way...

maybe you should buy a crutch...being a retard doesn't count...or better, try sidling up to a woman so that it would look you're together...or for once in your life, try being chivalrous and offer a woman to carry her heavy stuff...oh wait, we're in the philippines, so you would run the very high risk of being a pervert or a not-so-subtle snatcher...

oh, i'm a yuppy...but i'm not vapid...but yeah, i do have an almost meaningless job ;) 

squid villanueva's picture

Force Field

Shwaaang...

I have just activated my awesome force field. Your taunts slide away from my sheer awesomeness, female.

Beneath my booted heel

You would never have liked riding with me in a crammed MRT train at rush hour. I liked poking people who grabbed my ass with open safety pins and other sharp objects - usually in the tender, sensitive places, if I could.

When out of safety pins, I prefer to use my high-heeled boots the way the song says: "These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they do. One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you." Yes, I like them in stilletto. Very nice for piercing insolent insteps with. I have a collection.

Seriously, though, I do agree with you that if a woman wants equal rights, she had better be prepared to fight for these rights. I do and I've had lifelong practice with my three big brothers.

I am the woman the MRT management protects you from by segregating you. You are so lucky I can now afford cabs.

BTW, having been a pregnant woman once, I wouldn't advise elbowing one in the belly. When pregnant, women become bitchier, meaner and more feral - not to mention they can hit harder because their adrenaline surges faster and their reflexes are quicker. The frilly maternity wear is just camouflage. But, hey, it's your eye to have blacked and they're your nuts to have crushed, I guess.

Sira na nga ang Ating Kultura. Sira Ka pa.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit may mga lalaking katulad mo na haharap-harapan kung mang-insulto sa mga babae. May nanay ka naman siguro noh? O baka naman niluwa ka lang ng pinaka maniac na buwaya? Hindi naman sa nanlilibak ako pero parang ganun na nga. Alam mo ba na isa ka sa mga sumisira sa katauhan ng lalaking Filipino? Para kang isa sa mga tricycle drivers na nang babastos ng mga babae. Sa sinabi mong yan, propesyonal ka man o hindi ay tiyak na bababa ang pagtingin sa iyo ng tao, lalo na ng mga Filipina. Naalala ko tuloy ang sinabi ng propesora ko sa Filipino, masyado ng makabago ang panahon ngayon pati na rin ang pag-iisip ng mga tao. WINDANG na ang ating kultura. Siguro nga baliw ka, literal man o hindi, kahit ano sa 2 yun paniniwalaan ko. Hinihiling ko lang na sana kung mamalas malasin ka ng babaeng babastusin, sana ay marunong siyang mag taekwondo, o ano mang uri ng martial arts. Baka sakaling mabugbog ka niya ay maalog ang utak mo at baka sakaling tumino ka. Pero mukhang wala ka ng pag-asa, sige magpakasaya ka na lang diyan sa mababaw mong pangarap. Kinaaawan ko ang mabibiktima mo. Isipin mo walang ka class class ang magpapantasya sa kanya. Nakakahiya at nakakasuka!

 

From:

Vhessa

 

http://vhessa.blogspot.com

squid villanueva's picture

My Awesome Reply

PMS claws! KSS! KSS!

I would tell you both to fuck off but that would make me a nasty fucktard and God forbid such a thing--

...

Wait a minute. I AM a nasty fucktard! Please fuck off. Write pretentious emo-core poetry instead.

Oh, and Vanessa? You're a teenager. And a minor. You don't know jack shit so shut up. And your blog is vapid.

MINOR

Mr. Nasty Fuckard, don't act so tough. Just because I'm a minor, doesn't mean I don't know the difference of a cow eating spare ribs and a dog biting his own tail. You shouldn't judge people by their age groups. Oh wait! You DO judge people. Well, stick this to your low level inscolent and malicious mind, blog is only vapid if a reader is more vapid.

You are vapid and yes I am a teenager. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO VOICE OUT MY SENTIMENTS. Whether I am a teenager or a toddler!!!

I have high respects for you as a writer but when it comes to disgracing other people... it's a big ZERO!

Yes, I hate you, because you are so immature. What are you a minor?

http://vhessa.blogspot.com

MINOR

Mr. Nasty Fuckard, don't act so tough. Just because I'm a minor, doesn't mean I don't know the difference of a cow eating spare ribs and a dog biting his own tail. You shouldn't judge people by their age groups. Oh wait! You DO judge people. Well, stick this to your low level inscolent and malicious mind, blog is only vapid if a reader is more vapid.

Your reply is not awesome....

You are vapid and yes I am a teenager. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO VOICE OUT MY SENTIMENTS. Whether I am a teenager or a toddler!!!

I have high respects for you as a writer but when it comes to disgracing other people... it's a big ZERO!

Yes, I hate you, because you are so immature. What are you a minor?

http://vhessa.blogspot.com

Anarchists

Looks like a few people didn’t get it.

Retarded internet humorists are the anarchists of the information age, ladies. Like Dadaist and Surrealist art, and like Punk music, these articles are supposed to shock and to provoke. The misanthropy is intentional. If you believe in it, they are probably against it. The point in attacking what you hold as truth and virtue is for you to defend your beliefs. If you can’t defend it then you probably have to reassess your position. As Squid Villanueva said in an earlier article, it’s all a form of “electro-shock therapy for the soul.”

Get a fucking grip.

Anarchists

You can start writing that check now, Mr. Villanueva.

squid villanueva's picture

NINJA!

And I’m a ninja too! So be verrry careful when you tread near me. We ninjas are known to flip out and maim innocent bystanders at the slightest provocation. My cousin once chopped a little boy’s hand off because a floorboard squeaked!

ninja sidekick...

i'm very good with sticks and stars in case you need a sidekick hahahaha

seriously, i was actually shocked with the reactions to this post than the post itself. come on, everyone, we're all writers here... amateurs, professionals, beginners, veterans...and we all know that we should take everything that is shown here with humor and a grain of salt. writing or expressing something which on the surface seems to be against social mores is not a bad thing...i mean, nabokov wasn't the sick protagonist he excellently portrayed in lolita (on second thought, maybe he was...), but in a weird literary way, his novel made sense and now it's even considered a contemporary classic.

i'm not saying squid's writing is a classic (god forbid), but the aim in the post was to shock...and to satirize...and to be so-like the asshole squid that we read here...:)

let's admit it: we all have the talent and the desire (admit it! admit it!) to shock people with our writings. for me, shocking is preferable to predictable. 

for all you know, squid might be a decent guy...(WHERE DID THAT COME FROM???) 

squid villanueva's picture

I Don't Have Money!

I'm poor! I don't have money! Leave me alone! I can't pay you!

ninja sidekick?

 

Yes, I agree with you, the main idea is to shock other people. But wouldn't it be more fun if the writer is shocked himself and leave a very unhumorous comment?

That ruins his image as a "shocking writer"!

I believe that making the writer, himself, reacting "violently" to a comment that is violenlty stated, is a sign that he is a sensitive fuckard. Sensitive, now that is stupid!

What do I care anyway. I'm just a minor.

 

Back off me!

 

 

http://vhessa.blogspot.com

squid villanueva's picture

Dearest Vanessa

Dearest Vanessa:

No.

Love;

Squid

DEAR VANESSA

DEAR VANESSA:

"Just because I'm a minor, doesn't (sic) mean I don't know the difference of (sic) a cow eating spare ribs and a dog biting his own tail."

Your grammar and sentence construction leave much to be desired. Also, your metaphors are really idiotic. Perhaps that's because you're an idiot?

"You shouldn't judge people by their age groups."

Should we instead judge them by their IQ (or the lack thereof)? Okay. You, Vanessa, are a stupid fuck. Please stop trying to be snarky. You're making an ass of yourself.

"Well, stick this to (sic) your low level inscolent (sic) and malicious mind"

It's INSOLENT, not inscolent, dumbass.

"blog (sic) is only vapid if a reader is more vapid."

Please stop exposing your lack of intelligence. This line of reasoning is so screwed, you're making Baby Jesus cry. Not even crystal meth can make your blog exciting.

"Your reply is not awesome...."

At least Squid's reply isn't as dumb as yours. You, on the other hand, had to post two comments with the exact same content, save for this line, because you're too dumb to even click the edit link.

"I HAVE THE RIGHT TO VOICE OUT MY SENTIMENTS."

No you don't. If you did the government would have granted minors the right of suffrage. So shut the fuck up. Children should be seen, not heard. Unless they're as ugly as you. In which case, they should be fed to sewer rats.

"Whether I am a teenager or a toddler!!!"

But, Vanessa... you're neither. You're a moron.

"Yes, I agree with you, the main idea is to shock other people. But wouldn't it be more fun if the writer is (sic) shocked himself and leave (sic) a very unhumorous comment?"

No. Ridiculing stupid cunts in internet forums is a hell of a better idea.

"That ruins his image as a 'shocking writer'!"

Uh... okay. Sure. Knock yourself out.

"I believe that making the writer, himself, reacting (sic) "violently" to a comment that is violenlty (sic) stated, is a sign that he is a sensitive fuckard (sic). Sensitive, now that is stupid!"

It's FUCKTARD. And you're still a stupid cunt.

"What do I care anyway. I'm just a minor."

And butt-ugly.

"Back off me (sic)"

It's BACK OFF, dumbass. It never ceases to amaze me how people with a nominal grasp of English idioms still persist in using them.

"http://vhessa.blogspot.com"

You should put a disclaimer on that blog of yours. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: INSIPID BLOG ENTRIES CAUSE BRAIN DAMAGE.

Ah, the youth. The hope of the nation.

We're so screwed.

Salamat-isa po itong sarbey para sa aming "term paper".

Respectfully yours,

Vhessa

 

http://vhessa.blogspot.com

SUUURE

Suuure.

Let's do a recap now, alright?

Squid: Rant rant rant rant rant. Hey, don't take me seriously, I'm just talking trash.

Us: Hahaha.

You: Righteous indignation!!! LOLZ!

Squid: Fuck off.

Us: Please don't take Squid seriously, he's just talking trash.

You: Righteous indignation!!! LOLZ! Attempting to be snarky!!! LOLZ!

Me: Pwns your ass, bitch.

You: Pwnd. Suddenly attempts to make it look like it's all a survey for your "term paper" and you're just playing with our minds.

Nice going, Sherlock.

Pmel's picture

You know ... had I not stumbled upon *ED,

I wouldn't have known what you guys were talking about. Now that I do, it's kind of funny- albeit cruel.

 

 

 

 *ED: encyclopediadramatica.com; where anonymous and snarkage rules.